You Might Also Like
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
time machine? you mean a clock?
More like Kate Missington.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.