*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out