I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
You Might Also Like
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.