Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
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If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes