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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Is your wife single?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips