If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
this independent good boy don’t need no human
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.