i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
You Might Also Like
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Peter Parker Peter Driver