I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
You Might Also Like
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)