Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.