[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
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i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*