In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
getting old is fun
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
dictator is short for richard potato
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.