Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.