step 6: release the wall snake
You Might Also Like
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
We need more people like this.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Cake!!
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.