Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
These aliens are taking forever.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.