My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
OH. COME. ON.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader