2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.