reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.