ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs