Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
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Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Oh, I bet you would be
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”