Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
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I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Encore…
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.