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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer