but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”