5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Why am I like this?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
dictator is short for richard potato
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*