Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
War & Peace
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second