Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*