[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
barbara was highly relatable
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.