God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
new record!
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat