If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
pls suprot
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.