*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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taking June’s advice to heart
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.