*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean