3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”