Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Meat Cute
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.