Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.