Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
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[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Flock of bats
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions