Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Put a ring on it
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.