Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
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Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Do one person every day that scares you.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha