seems fine
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
every single time
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Thursday
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
i really liked this one
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.