*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
LMAO.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: