Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
War & Peace
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*