I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Put this video in the Louvre
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Oh hi lol
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted