I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
You Might Also Like
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Why I divorced her.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.