Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
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The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….