[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*