Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
How to draw a duck
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”