leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My patience has stretch marks.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.