The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Strange
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great