Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
moms in horror movies
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.