Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.