My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
wishing you and yours all the best
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii