me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
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Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest